écoute: "Only One" - Yellowcard

Holy crap when was the last time I updated o_O;

Well, I remembered I had this and a lot has changed. My last entry, the last paragraph, that last line there:

écoute: "I Won't Last a Day Without You" - Shiina Ringo & Utada Hikaru

Last night I felt really weird. I had the strangest urge to cry for some reason. I wasn't feeling depressed or anything like that. It was unusual but it was most likely hormones (especially considering it's time for PMS)

Wednesday was a great day. Julien told me that Thao felt "something" for me and want my number and email. Of course, since it's Julien I can't help but be skeptical about him, so I didn't fully believe it. Of course, I would hope that this was true, but who wouldn't?

So Thursday comes around, and Julien writes a little note to Thao asking him if he's 'made a move' or something and he writes back to forget everything with no reason. Julien showed me the writing on the paper so I guess he wasn't lying. I didn't feel heartbroken, though it did bring me down a little. But I just want to know why the sudden change? It probably might've been a bad day for him or just a trick he was playing on Julien (cause everyone loves to joke on Julien, I do too, haha), but it really didn't imporve anything for me. But I'm not sad about it or anything. My feelings haven't changed because I never expected anything in return on my part.

But why does it worry me so much? I'm so curious as to why the sudden change of heart, because the day (Wednesday), he smiled at me moreso than usual and talked to me and stuff (just a question but still...). And when he talked to me yesterday, I swear he called me Jelli or something. He probably just said Anjelica but it was too soft. But I SWEAR I heard just two syllables. But then, why would he know my nickname was Jelli then? I'm probably confused because I was still surpised he talked to me, heh.

But back on the subject, why the sudden change? During English Wednesday, he smiled directly at me when Mrs. McCarty scolded him cause he was sitting in the wrong place. Like directly at me, I just knew it. And I saw him smiling at me/laughing with me when I came into Art whining about how the shoes I was wearing were killing me (they were high heels cause we had to dress up for a mock trial in English).

But that isn't on the subject. It probably must've been a bad day for him that he didn't bother with it anymore. But I can't help but think about this. Why am I dwelling on this? Is it because what I was hoping for was shot down? Maybe.

So why do I feel like crying when I think about it? Well, I wasn't feeling emotional about that last night. Right now I am, but not last night. I felt like crying last night because I was thinking about how I liked him so much. I don't think I've ever liked something this much before. I think I've already explained this; it's because I don't know much about him that I'm drawn to him. But this isn't love, but then again, I don't know what love is. I like him so much, I wish I could be closer to him. Being his friend would be enough, but something more is what I really wish for.

I know someone else will come by once I move, but I'm stuck on him now. It can't be helped.

And on a different-yet-slightly-related subject, I wish I had a boyfriend. I've been wishing for once since high school's started. I don't want one just because. I just truly want someone I can be with, someone I can cherish, someone I can express my feelings to, and most importantly, someone I could love and have that love returned to me. I wish I had someone I could think about constantly and have them think about me the same way. I truly want all this and more. I know almost everyone wants this, but I haven't wanted this so passionately till recently.

I wish I could listen to this song and know this could apply to me. I wish there was someone I couldn't last a day without.

écoute: "IN MY SOUL" - MISIA

I haven't updated here in a long while. I should use this more often too because I like this layout.

So I'm an aunt now. It feels so different now that there's a baby in our house. I dunno if it's a good or bad thing, but ever since I first saw the baby, I just felt so much joy and love for it. I like to see my niece every chance I get and even though she does look kinda funny, I can't help thinking how adorable she is. I think now that I've seen the baby, I've realized how much of a blessing Almira Camille is to our family.

But ever since she was born, I think I've been worrying moreso than usual. I usually don't worry, but I'm so scared for the baby. I want her to grow up healthy and I want her to be safe. While doing my homework last night, I kept having morbid thoughts of what would happen if while driving with the baby, my sister got into an accident. I'm so scared something might happen to Camille before she gets the chance to really be able to live. I haven't even held her yet, but I can't help feeling that I have a task to protect her. Actually, I don't want to hold her (as much as I'd want to). For two reasons: 1) I have a bit of an allergy on my right index finger and I don't want it in contact with Camille. Even if she is covered in 5 blankets, I don't want to give her anything. And 2) I've always had a paranoia of holding babies. I'm afraid I might hold her wrong or something and I don't want to do anything that will hurt her. Actually, today was the first time I've TOUCHED my niece. How sad because she's now three days old. But I really don't want any harm towards her. I'm only the aunt but I'm so thankful that she was born, and I wish only the best for her.

And on the subject, being an aunt. Wow. I can't believe I've already become one! It's just so weird, and it makes me feel so old already. I wonder what Camille will call me if she's older. I won't mind, I just want to be able to have a special bond with her. Like the one I have with Jason.

Aah, enough of that. Today the best thing happened to me! I talked to Thao, like directly and stuff! It wasn't even a long conversation but it just made me feel so good that I was able to talk to him. I'm so reluctant to talk to people, it's because I'm terribly shy. I hope I'll be able to talk to him more in the future like today during passing period. Ooh, but the best part was that he talked back to me and...Oh man I can't believe I forgot what he said to me when I first asked him a question! Ooh, well I hope there will be more conversations with him. I love how he always seems to be smiling. Later during the same passing period, I can't believe I actually waved to him! I would seriously never do that to someone I like, but he smiled at me. He smiled directly at me. It made me feels so giddy, I practically hopped away while carrying Kristina's backpack. I've noticed he smiles at me at art sometimes when there are jokes being said or something, but this one was just different. Nothing funny happened, I think he saw me during that one spot during passing period and just want to greet me with a smile. It's just a friendly smile, ya know, but it was special to me because he noticed me and smiled. He doesn't talk much, and he has a kind of quiet voice, but I love seeing that smile.

I think the best part of the conversation was that he asked me a question. I don't know why I remember that the most, but the fact that he kept the conversation going for a little bit longer, it seemed like he was interested in what class I was going to next. He even asked if I had Geometry Honors, heh~

I can't say this is love. It's simply a high school crush, but this crush feels so much more different compared to my crushes with Conlan, Lance, Neal, or Marty. I think it's because I barely know him. I think it's because I want to be his friend instead of going out with him. I like admiring him secretly, observing him during the classes I have with him (And I'm not crazy. I can't help not looking at him, he's in plain sight of me in English and Art, so nyeh). I want to know more about him before something happens. But if something does happen, then I'll be a lot happier than I am right now (and I am mighty happy right at this very moment). I want to get to know him. I know he's a godly artist and that he likes cars, but I want to be able to hang out with him and talk to him. He's seems like such a cool and quiet person, that mystery just makes me want to know more about him. I know he's not a mean person either, I can tell. Because on the first day of school during art he gave me a pencil to use when I didn't even say anything, and that's imprinted as the nicest thing done for me on that day. And mind you, that was before I started liking him.

I feel like such a girl right now. I'm giddy over everything he does. Like today, he was the first person I saw when I got out of Mom's car, and I just about hopped. And the whole day today, I just couldn't stop thinking about how he wore shorts for the first time this year, and how skinny his legs are. The littlest things make me so happy.

I feel calmer now that when before I wrote this. This was a long entry but it feels so good to be able to type these things out.

écoute: "Misery" - hide

The more I look at this layout, the more I get annoyed by it. But it's okay cause it's Shuyin, yay.

It occured to me the other day that I have no faith in my sister anymore. I think I started doubting her before she got pregnant. Why? She's 25 and kinda dropped out of college last year. She's not pursueing the career she was studying for. She's just working at some warehouse or something. It's also sad that she shares a room with me too. Getting pregnant didn't help me change my opinion of her.

I think this all started when she started dating Kamal. Kamal's just like her, except he doesn't live with his mom and he didn't have a job when I first met him (and he doesn't have a car either...). If my sister plans on raising her child alone, I doubt both of them will be able to do it without getting help from Mom or Kamal's mom.

It also doesn't help that they're not married and Kamal's not part of the Church. This is probably the biggest issue that's come up since Sis got knocked up. It's really a complicated issue but I know what'll happen. Mom said I wasn't mature enough to understand but I do know the consequences. Kamal doesn't accept our Church, if he did, this all probably would've calmed down. Ka Eddy said that if Sis wants to stay in the Church with her baby, she's going to have to leave Kamal. Harsh yes, but that's her punishment I think. If she stays with him, she'll be expelled. I don't know what Sis will decide but I know someone's going to get hurt in the end.

Having a baby isn't supposed to be this complicated is it? Normally, everyone's supposed to be happy for the mother. No one's too thrilled about this in our family. I'm not either. I can't look at my sister without thinking about all these things. I can't look at her without feeling so...so...ugh. I overheard Sis a couple months ago talking to Kuya Ores on the phone. She said that everyone here looks down upon this. Of course, she thinks the opposite but she's right. Does she know that she won't have an easy time raising a child? Especially considering how she is financially and not being married or anything. I hate how we have to lie to everyone at church about this. We can't tell anyone from church about this and I have so much that I want to say, and I have no idea what I can do. I hate having to say that my sister's just doing okay whenever people ask how she is. If she didn't leave the locale, this might've never happened.

Well, I've lost my train of thought. I have more, but this is enough.

écoute: "Frozen Spring" - La'cryma Christi

NEW LAYOUT!

Nice non? I was having a little Shuyin craze last night and got all these screencaps from Final Fantasy X-2 ^^;